Free health screening day

May 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm
filed under things that make me cry

So the best thing that happened to me this morning was that we had health screenings here at work, and I fasted for 8 hours beforehand so I skipped my breakfast and my coffee, and I showed up in a state of forced relaxation because I have an intense fear of needles but I know it’s important to know the status of my health — so I filled out the form and sat down at the nurse’s table where she was ready to poke my finger for the cholesterol test. I announced to her that needles make me feel like jelly. She asked if I’d pass out and I said no. So she poked me and I cringed silently, but no tears fell. I looked away, which is necessary for me to remain human. Then something went wrong as I felt her knead and pinch my finger and then gouge it with the bloodsucking tube again, then she did it again, then she did it two more times, kneading, gouging, kneading, gouging. “Your hands are so cold,” she said. “The blood won’t come out right.” So I looked over and saw blood puddled up all over the tip of my middle finger (auugghhh) and I looked away again. She asked me if I was going to be OK as I felt my face start to sweat. I snapped back, “Yeah, but I can’t do this much longer!” With her awesome bedside manner she announced “OK, but we’re only halfway done,” and I just about lost it. I started taking deep breaths and she advised me not to hyperventilate. This was all happening while about 10 of my coworkers looked on, so that was pretty cool. When she finally did get enough blood from my finger, she put my slide into the testing machine and THEN told me it was time to get my blood pressure taken! WTF! I told her that wasn’t fair, and she gave me about 20 seconds to collect myself. Thankfully the blood pressure reading was good. No clue how that happened. When the blood testing machine was finished, we were given the awesome news that there was an error in reading my sample. No results. SWEET! “That didn’t happen to anybody else all day,” she said. SWEET! So she offered to do the test again and I said no thank you. I can live without knowing my cholesterol at this time.

My coworker told me later that everybody who used that testing machine after me got an error too, so they figured it’s defective. If I’d let her poke my damn finger again I still wouldn’t have gotten any results. I lose 🙁

But she did weigh me, and even though the scale was crappy and it was on unstable carpeting, and she arbitrarily subtracted what she thought my clothing weighed, according to her I’ve reached my “50 pounds of weight loss” mark. Total lie but I’ll take it!!

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