“Do you struggle with the pace of a modern life?”

June 11, 2015 at 10:09 am
filed under life
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I know what you mean. I do struggle with the pace of a modern life, the pace that’s expected of me as a full-time working American adult. I don’t have kids, either, and I know that adds another layer of depth to all of it. My biggest struggle is in asking myself if this is worth it — the daily rush to get to work on time, fighting traffic, spending the day in a cubicle doing unbelievably unfulfilling work that someone else takes 100% of the credit for. It’s high stress, for me. I guess it doesn’t bother some people. But I think my issue is more within myself than it is external or environmental. I feel that if I just made more of my time, I could do so much more or feel so much more fulfilled. I know I am skilled and capable, but I feel like I’m wasting away that talent and it’s all my own fault. My job is demanding of my punctuality and presence only; it requires zero thought and inspires zero stimulation, and worse, the political climate is toxic and steeped in cultural fear. Friendship at work is discouraged, and we are reminded again and again that no one can be trusted. The pay and benefits keep me coming back, but I know I’m going nowhere and there’s no light at the end of any tunnel here. The days are long and empty, and I try to look busy along with everybody else, but I can’t focus on anything and I just have a deep feeling of boredom and despair. After weeks of it, it snowballs into total dread. The trouble is, I don’t know what else to do. Every job I’ve worked has been completely dreadful in its own way, even when the work itself is more fulfilling than what I’m doing now (which is largely secretarial, with very long gaps of nothingness in between tasks, and phone interruptions if I try listening to audiobooks or sneaking reading PDF’s of novels on my screen). When I get home from work, even though I’ve done nothing all day, I feel drained and depressed, and I can’t pick myself up to do things around the house or be the loving wife my husband deserves. And I don’t have any vacation time, so I spend a lot of the money I’m earning by coming to this job on mindless clutter like clothes or gadgets to try to make myself feel better in the short run instead of on experiences or memories because my time doesn’t allow those. And every day is the same. I’m just afraid to die after living this way. But I don’t know what else I should do. I realize that happy lives are driven by perspective, and if I shift toward gratitude, my feelings can change. But I’m in a slump of no energy, and I guess I need a power source, but it comes from within me. So I’m looking for a spark so I can break out of this.

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